What Your Church Pulpit Says About Your Pastor’s Personality

We found this report from The Babylon Bee and thought it was an enlightening read. Since the founding of the Roman Catholic Church in the early days of Christendom, the altar has always been in the center of the chancel area, with the pulpit on one side of the of the chancel and the lectern (from where announcements and scripture are read) on the other side. This arrangement of the chancel area is called the “divided chancel.” The purpose of the divided chancel is to make the altar and the presence of Christ the center of attention, while putting the priest or presiding clergy to one side or the other.

For the purpose of this report, try to find your pastor’s pulpit in the list below.

No pulpit at all – If your church has no pulpit, your pastor has likely abandoned the preaching of the Word in favor of wandering around the stage aimlessly, telling “narrative theology” stories as a team of performers provides an interpretative dance. Theology rating: ROB BELL

Aluminum cafe table – Are you delivering the most holy God’s message for my life, or are we just chillin’ at Starbucks shooting the breeze? Theology rating: REALLY BAD

Music stand – A sermon preached from a music stand is actually just sharing what’s on your heart, and that’s just terrible. These “life lessons” are as flimsy as the cheap music stand from which they’re preached. Theology rating: JUST MEDIUM BAD

Custom stainless steel design – A modern pulpit constructed of stainless steel is sleek and attractive. But you know what else is sleek and attractive? SATAN. Theology rating: JOEL OSTEEN

Plexiglass pulpit – Plexiglass pulpits are designed to communicate transparency and vulnerability, but what they really communicate is theology that’s so lightweight you can see right through it. The pastor probably preaches messages with titles like “Principles for Living the Good Life” right out of the NLT. Theology rating: BUSH LEAGUE

Wooden lectern – A wooden lectern is for the pastor who knows good theology but isn’t too excited by it. His sermons are no-frills, passionless exercises in tedium. But he ain’t wrong, most of the time. Theology rating: NOT SURE, WE WERE ASLEEP THE WHOLE SERMON

Sturdy mahogany pulpit – There’s just about nothing more godly than a ? sermon preached off a classic wooden pulpit. The pastor clad in a snazzy suit and preaching off one of these bad boys doesn’t care what the world thinks—he only cares that you be convicted of your sin. Theology rating: JOHN MACARTHUR

Imposing elevated pulpit – For the pastor whose theology is high and lifted up, seated above the rest of those theological plebs. Theology rating: 5 OUT OF 5 POINTS OF CALVINISM

The helm of an old wooden warship – Now we’re cooking with gas. Only the bravest ministers of the gospel would break off the bow of an old wooden warship, install it in their church building, and preach the gospel like they’re commanding a fleet during the War of 1812. Theology rating: SPURGEON

If your pastor doesn’t measure up, it’s time to go pulpit shopping for instant theology improvement!

Disclaimer: This is only a reportorial and may not represent the views of mag.ng.

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